A Fierce & Beautiful Love: Kya

Update from Tracy:

Power outage and more
Yes you read that right. As I am sitting here just watching Kya go down further today with more infections, lower BP, O2 levels all over the place, etc…the power in the entire hospital tripped and went out just like that. Kya’s heart kept going but mine just froze as the nurse and I sat there waiting for the power to come back and to see if Kya would stop breathing. Once the power came back on, code blues started sounding. What an awful feeling. I never saw a place go into controlled panic so quickly. Thankfully all code blues were canceled and things have calmed down a bit. My heart rate is still soaring though.
I am about to head out to pick up grandma. The boys will be coming down later. The hospital staff is making it possible for the boys to do things like make hand and foot prints of Kya, make necklaces with her name on it and tomorrow a professional photographer will come and take family pics. Carlton will be coming in early morning, his visit with my dad was good and much needed by everyone. He spent a lot of time working on CJ’s gravesite, fixing it up and making it look nice.
So once again, just a day of trying to keep Kya comfy. She is sedated so much. Yesterday she still had the energy to force her eyes open to look at me which was very gut wrenching. Today, she does not have the energy to do that anymore. She has ear plugs in to minimize the amount of noises she hears as the slightest thing sets her off in the wrong direction. She has had to be bag pumped several times this morning as she is struggling to breathe even on the machine.
My biggest request today is that when the machines are turned off, Kya will bust heaven open wide so quickly and feel no more pain. No more struggling to breathe. Finally get a new heart with no meds to keep her alive and no having to look for another heart in ten years. No more infections, no more throw up, no more swapped insides, and no more pain.
I was reminded again that Kya’s days are already determined by God. The day of her birth was ordained by him, the day she was put in the orphanage was part of His plan, the day she became Kya Marilyn Keen was perfect, and the day she dies will still be part of His perfect plan. We now thank God for not directing us down the road of transplant as Kya would not have been able to tolerate the surgery. So the choice became do we let her die on the operating table alone or in our arms? We said we want her in our arms when she breathes her last breath.
Kya was born a daughter, became an orphan, and will die a daughter much loved by a family who wanted her more than anything. Even though I have a real peace about her death, my heart is crushed. I can’t believe we only got to love on her for 5 1/2 months. I can’t believe all that has happened in our family during that time and I honestly can’t believe the fierce amount of love God allowed me to have for her in such a short amount of time. Bonding with an adopted child is never easy and sometimes it does not happen. Although I will never know how Kya truly felt about being part of the Crazy Keen Klan, I do know how I feel about her. She is the spunkiest daughter I could ever have wanted and that my mom warned I would one day get as payback for all my spunk. She is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen even with all her tubes. Not everybody can pull off the tubes coming out of very part of my body look, but Kya makes it look beautiful. I loved her name so much it hurts to know I won’t be saying it on a daily basis anymore but as whispers from my heart. Ok can’t write anymore, heart is crushed and I can’t see the keyboard.

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The day Kya met her Mommy….who was just as much a fighter as she.

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We love you Kya


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